I woke in the night. Or half woke. My phone was whistling away so I fumbled up with my hand and flipped it to vibrate and rolled over. "The east coasters are eager this morning"- I thought. Then later on but still dark I noticed my phone was vibrating, and vibrating, and vibrating. And the rhythm indicated it was a call so I answered thinking something happened with father Joseph.
"Pray" Margaret's voice said.
"I am" I say- as alert as I can be at- what hour is this?
"They are wheeling her into an emergency c-section. She's lost the baby and we may lose her as well- so pray", she said urgently.
"What? Ok!"
"We don't know if the baby is a boy or a girl. Ok, I gotta go."
"Ok, thanks, I'm praying."
"Bye"
"Goodbye"
I went into the living room and lit the candle I had been using for father Joseph- the one Sarah Mosely made for me for Christmas. I knelt on my Pilates mat and just fell to my face. I had no words. No pleadings. Just nothing. Then I just found myself saying "Jesus" over and over and over. I couldn't form any other thought but anguish. I had one thought besides scattered prayer- "but we do know its a girl- Christina found out it was a girl and announced in January to everyone at Margaret's house after mass. I spent a few minutes there on my mat before I checked my phone and realized I had missed not just a few texts but scores.l
It became apparent, reading through the texts, that it was Regina who lost the baby. And my heart did this weird jump/dive. I felt relief and horror simultaneously. Relieved that it wasn't Christina's baby but horror that it was Regina's. I then tried to beg God to help Regina live but I was so upset about the baby I still couldn't form words beyond "Jesus" in my brain.
My assumption that it was Christina was based on her symptoms earlier in the week. Here it was Thursday and Monday and Tuesday she complained of weird flulike symptoms and then had some cramping. I figured her body was warming up. Wasn't sure what the flulike symptoms and leg pain were all about.
The house was silent and dark. The lone flicker on the mantle lit up my small section of the living room.
And all this happening while Chris was in Germany. So so far away.
I woke Henry for school. After he got dressed and got his things together I told him the horrible news and told him to pray for aunt Regina.
I continued the morning texting and praying feeble prayers.
I had the leak under the driveway lined up to be fixed in the morning. I ran out to move the van and take the garbage cans to the opposite curb. I heard via text that Regina was out of surgery and in recovery. Samantha had an orthodontic appointment at 10:30 so we began getting ready for that in a kind of slow haze. I wanted everyone with me because I knew the water would be turned off and I didn't want to leave max at home with the littles while the plumber fixed the leak.
On the way to the appointment I called Christina.
"Hey"
"Hey- what's going on?"
"Well, she's out of surgery and I'm visiting and taking pictures. He looks perfect. Alot like Josiah. Everyone is here."
"I thought it was you."
"What?"
"Margaret called and didn't say who was going into a section and had lost the baby so I thought it was you because of how you were feeling Monday and Tuesday."
"Oh, well, ugh. I kind of need to get out of here. I don't want to be at this hospital. I think I need to be getting to *my* hospital."
"Wait, really?"
"Yeah.... I think so... Yeah..."
Towards the end of the appointment I got a text from Margaret saying that Christina and mike were en route to the hospital and to pray for them.
I was at a light just before getting on 5 south when I pulled up my phone and caught up on a couple texts.
One said "This is crazy. She didn't survive the baby."
And I think immediately- Christina died.
And I lose it. I was shaking and sobbing and hitting the car wheel. I looked at the gas station briefly and thought "I'll park there until I get it together so we can drive the 30 minutes home". But then I thought, "I won't ever get it together".
So I chose denial.
"This ident happening. Samantha, hold my phone and don't give it to me until we get home no matter what."
I drove on. I got on 5 north. Went up one exit. Got off. Moved around to get on 5 south and tried to think clearly enough to not make any more driving errors.
The kids all complained of hunger and I knew I didn't want to prepare anything at home so I stopped at Burger King. First time in 13 years? I ordered the kids burgers and we had to wait. Finally, 40 min later, we got home. I set them up at the table, we said prayers, and I got my phone back from scared Samantha. I announced that I was going to my room and locking the door.
In my room in still confused. No new texts. I ask "she didn't survive- who is 'she'?"
Nothing.
Agony.
I'm so utterly alone and far far away.
"Who is 'she'?"
Finally my dad responds on his own thread and his text reads:
"Gabriella Immaculada another saint in heaven". Or something to that effect.
I'm again crushed but relieved. Crushed that I won't know her. That her mom won't know her. But relieved that her mom is alive. Relieved that my baby sister is alive.
I got Alice settled for her nap and then I told the kids the news. I told Samantha and Max that I was heading out for a walk in the woods. And I left my phone. I was done reading all the horrible news it had to give.
I walked some but ran most of the path. I paused for a bit at the turn around point but sensed someone coming so turned and ran back towards home. Halfway back, by the foot bridge over the creek I let out such a ferocious scream that my throat ache for a couple days. It felt somewhat better to vent all of my emotions physically. Anger, sadness, despair, confusion, panic, and fear.
I'm still not sure why it all happened. It doesn't make an ounce of sense to me. Sometimes I lay awake trying to look for that thread to pull at. The thread that if I follow it and keep pulling I will unravel the mystery of "why". Why did the babies have to die? Why death? What happened? How could we have prevented it?
But the only answer that gets me back to sleep is "Be Not Afraid".
He's got it all in His hands. And it may look likes screwed up mess of a jumble but to Him it makes sense. And that has got to be enough for now. Because for it to not be enough is crazy making.
And maybe my faith begins at the point where I decide "I choose sanity". It's a very imperfect beginning. But that's me. Imperfect and beginning.
No comments:
Post a Comment